The Olympics took place a few weeks ago. The electricity seemed like it was coming to a halt on the second week at Beijing. Phelps made 100 million friends from all over the world in 8 days with his fish-like ability. It seemed as if T.V. ratings should of gone down rapidly after Phelps went on to dry land. All of this seemed as reality until Usain Bolt changed the definition of reality.
On a Sunday night at eleven o'clock, many people could care less of what is on T.V. I just browsed around to see what was on before retiring. The 100 yard dash is a life - defining event that shows who is the fastest man on the planet. I watched the T.V. as they talked about the favorites. On the screen, there appears this 6-5, 190 pound giant from Jamaica. The intensity in his eyes could of been seen from the nose bleed section at the bird's nest. He looked as serious as a doctor who is performing heart surgery. His name is announced. "Usain Bolt." Once again, he looked as composed as Tiger Woods, when he has to sink a tournament winning put.
The gun was shot, and everyone in the stands was a frozen ice cube. The world's elite runners ran through the smog of the Beijing air during this humid night. Usain ran like someone who was actually being chased. If he was being chased by police right now, he would fair better on foot than in a vehicle. His opponents looked like statues. The strain on every other runner's face was so evident. Usain's composed stride looked as if he was doing a warm up strider. Suddenly, the race had ended with 30 meters left to run. Usaine looked toward his friends and family with a celebratory chest bump and stride. He jogged through the finish line with a new world record. When someone tells you they ran the 100 in 9.69 seconds, you would probably think they meant 100 feet. The electricity created by this performance could of lit up a city. Flags of Jamaica were waving everywhere now. At this point, it was though that nothing else in the Olympics could be as exciting as what Bolt had accomplished in the race. What do you think about 2 more gold medals and world records? Bolt finished this Olympics with the facial expression of a little boy on Christmas morning. His name, in my opinion, is very appropriate for his ability.
2 comments:
Dan,
In your first post of the year, you mentioned that you have a hard time with sentence structures. Let's look at this post and see if I can show you how to make immediate gains in this area.
I think the first thing that can catapult the quality of your writing is simply by combining sentences. For instance, let's take this part:
Usain ran like someone who was actually being chased. If he was being chased by police right now, he would fair better on foot than in a vehicle. His opponents looked like statues. The strain on every other runner's face was so evident. Usain's composed stride looked as if he was doing a warm up strider.
Simply by combining sentences (find relationships between ideas), here is what happens:
Usain's speed made the other runners look like statues. As his opponents wore looks of strain on their faces, his smooth stride could have outrun cops behind him--in their cruisers!
What happened is that when I chose to combine sentences, not only did I vary the length, but also the beginnings. . .AND without even realizing it, I strengthened my choice of words!
Also, consider starting with something more exciting, and don't be afraid to get creative in here. For instance, if you wanted to make this a newspaper article you could have started like this:
Beijing, CHINA--
The Olympic electricity seemed like it was almost coming to a halt.
Even with one small change, look what happened? Your first line of text is more engaging and grabs the reader (I didn't change anything but add the word "olympic). Hope you see my point about starting out strong.
**Oh. . . it's not "could of," it's "could HAVE."
**try breaking paragraphs too. Makes a BIG difference for the reader to follow along.
Anyway, I want to make sure I compliment you on your descriptive efforts though. I see you trying to use some adjectives, adverbs, but also metaphor, simile, and personification. That's excellent.
Your blog was really well written and I enjoyed reading it because I really liked watching Usain in the olympics.
good job!
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