How could she even be doing this to me. Ruining my life. That is exactly what she was doing. Completely destroying everything. My whole year has built up to this... and she wouldn't even let me go! I'm not even a bad kid! It's not even the least bit fair! The frustration and tension built as the screaming volleyed back and forth between her and I. She just could not even understand. She was completely calm, while I was screaming my beat red head off right in her face.
"Why do you have to be like this!" I shouted, approximately three inches from her face.
"Darrian, I will not allow you to go, its not safe, its unchaperoned, and its NOT a good idea"
"Mother I'm eighteen years old, I'm an adult and I can handle myself! Your ridiculous!"
"Your the ridiculous one darling, I wish you could see it from my point of view."
"MOTHER!" I could not contain myself much longer "you don't have a point of view, I'm an adult, I should be able to do what I want on my own!"
"Do what you want eh?" she replied with a smirk on her face "ha, does this include paying your own medical insurance, and providing your own roof over your head? Well that is exactly what you will have to do if you expect me to let you drive twelve hours with those sorry excusses for friends of yours to a house that will be fully loaded with trouble and mistakes just waiting to happen."
I tried, I pushed, and I failed. This is how all of our conversations from start to end flowed for the most part. I got angry, and she remained calm ... just to frustrate me! I know she doesn't want me to go, but what she doesn't know can't hurt her, right?
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2 comments:
Not bad. You created a tone very similar to that of your last post. But I don’t think you did quite as well this time. This one isn’t as detailed, and the emotions are not as profound. You did all right with the dialogue, but there isn’t enough body language included, and the setting isn’t described at all. Where are they? The reader might assume they’re in the family’s living room or dining room or whatever, but it always helps reel in the reader’s interest if you are precise about the setting. It’s good to leave some things to the reader’s imagination, but with important aspects of the story like setting, tone, theme, etc., it’s best to be specific. Also, what are they doing, besides talking? What emotions could these actions convey to the reader? You did a bit of this (e.g., Darrian’s head was “beat red,” and she was “approximately three inches” from her mother’s face), but it would help the whole piece to flow better if you included more.
And you used the lowercase i’s again! Argh!! :-p
I won’t criticize you any further, though. It really wasn’t all bad; I like the ending line. My guess is that this was a rush job, and you could have done way better, but just chose not to. Please take the time to do well (not to do your *best.* To do your absolute best on a piece of writing requires a lifetime of work. But just to do well). If you are serious about improving your writing, you’ll never regret it.
It's tough to go into reading a piece of writing when even the first sentence has an error! (it's a question, so it needs a question mark.) I don't think the second "sentence" works as a fragment. I know what you were trying to do, but it just falls a little short.
But, the errors drag it down throughout. "Its" when you want "it's," "your' when you want "you're," etc.
I'd comment on some of the other "higher order issues" about setting the scene, but Samantha hit those pretty well.
Shows potential, but I already knew you had that. Show yourself what you can do! :-)
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