The time had finally arrived. After four endless years of high school Rachel graduated. She was ecstatic to get on with her life and move out of her parents house. She also could not wait to get away from all of the pointless drama caused by the girls in her school. There was one girl in particular that caused most of it, Kara Robbins. Rachel and Kara had always despised each other, and getting away from Kara was what Rachel was most looking forward to.
Two days later Rachel decided to go shopping to find some things for her new one bedroom apartment. She happily walked through the mall with her mom's credit card finding what she wanted. Realizing that the kitchen supplies and decorations were on the second floor, Rachel quickly headed towards the elevator. When the doors opened, Rachel stepped on and her mouth dropped. Kara Robbins was standing in the elevator with her hand on her hip and a look of disgust on her face. Before Rachel could get off, the door slid shut. Rachel pushed the number two button and waited. Suddenly the lights began to flicker and Kara angrily shouted, "Look what you did, Rachel!"
"Look what I did? I didn't do anything, how are you blaming this on me?" Rachel yelled back.
"Well make it stop then!"
"Kara, we need to call for help or something"
"Well I'm not doing anything," Kara yelled with a I'm-better-than-you tone.
The two continued to blame each other and Rachel finally found the phone and called for help. After an hour a fireman came and pulled the girls through a latch at the top. After being stuck in an elevator together, the girls hated each other even more.
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6 comments:
You did a good job with the dialogue and I enjoyed reading it, but I think it would have made it stronger if you would have given more background on why the girls hated each other.
I thought that the story was done well, and I enjoyed the dialogue between the two enemies. Your descriptions of the characters' gestures and expressions were creative. I also would of liked to why they hated each other a little more, but I think that this was very creative and well written.
I think you should have had a longer ending. The ending didn't really tie things together well. Also you didnt tell much background of the girls. But i liked the overall plot of the story.
-- chelsea
I really like the plot and the scenario you had with the girls getting stuck. I was confused however when you were having the girls talking to eachother because I was not sure why/for how long they've hated eachother.
Okay…since everyone else who commented here seems to be in the habit of monkey-see-monkey-do (except Ryan, since he was the first to comment), I’ll give you some real (and hopefully helpful) criticism.
You could do much more to improve this piece than just revealing more of the girls’ background. As I said to Lucas in the last blog, it will help if you are trying to teach your reader some important lesson. What is the reader supposed to get out of this? What do you want them to feel, to think, to understand? Maybe it’s just me, but if there is a larger lesson in here, I can’t find it.
I’m not suggesting that you should have had the girls suddenly become friendly with each other, and thus the story is a lesson in tolerance and forgiveness. But what is your point in having them continue to hate each other? *Why* do they still hate each other, and refuse to make amends? And why does it matter?
It seems ironic to me that Rachel “could not wait to get away from all of the pointless drama,” yet helps to create more pointless drama while she is in the elevator with Kara (by becoming defensive and yelling at Kara – e.g., “ ‘Look what I did? I didn’t do anything, how are you blaming this on me?’ Rachel yelled back.”). Why do I point this out? Because this is just one example of a place where you could start when you are deciding on a lesson or theme for your story. You could create a satire, proving to the reader that many of those who claim to hate pointless drama (here represented by Rachel) are, ironically enough, creating pointless drama themselves. What good is it to escape melodramatic girls if one IS a melodramatic girl, and will create melodrama wherever she goes?
I compliment you on your good grammar, by the way. You made a few mistakes with commas (for example, in the sentence, “After four endless years of high school Rachel graduated,” there should be a comma between the words “school” and “Rachel”), but overall you did really well. As for those little mistakes with commas, it might help you to read the sentence aloud and listen to the pauses. Whenever there is a significant pause in your speech, you most likely need a comma.
Can I really top what Samantha wrote?? Well, I can tell you what I thought when I read it before I read her comments.
This was a lazy Ashley moment. I am not quite familiar with this alterego of yours, because it reared its ugly head last year, too.
There's just little depth here, and it is far less graceful that your ability provides for.
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