I open my eyes. Is this really happening? The life I knew and loved had vanished right before my eyes. It was at that moment I realized I had taken it all for granted. I was wishing it was all a dream. I will never be the same because of this and I will never be able to go back to the life I loved so dearly.
It all began when I woke up on a beautiful Saturday morning. It was the first Saturday I hadn't worked in 17 months. I had been farming to help my family with their financial difficulties. I was the oldest of ten children. I loved each and everyone of my younger siblings like they were my own. I acted as a father figure to them since my father was gone. And my mom, she was the strongest woman in the world. It was my youngest sisters third birthday. Her name was Amelia. She was the cutest thing anyone had ever seen. She had the chubbiest little cheeks, and she looked at me like I was a superhero each and everyday. With the little money i had, i decided to go buy her a present for the birthday celebration we were going to have for her later that night.
My mom warns me, "Michael, the news says its going to start to get pretty bad out later, so hurry and be very careful." I gave her a kiss and hugged her goodbye. Had I known it would be the last time i would ever hug her or talk to her I would have told her how much she means to me and how strong she was.
After I left winds starting picking up. The winds were so strong it was a sharp feeling against my bare skin. I enter the store when they force me to go in the safety basement. It seemed as though I had blinked and it was all over. I walk outside and everything was ruined. I had a pain in the pit of my stomach. I knew something had happened. I sprinted home. I stood in front of my dimolished house out of breath and heart broken. Dimolished. My house, my family, my farm. Everything I knew and loved was dimolished. It was not a dream. I kept closing and reopening my eyes hoping it would all go away. I sat there alone, because alone is what I now am.
2 comments:
I really liked this essay. I think you did a great job of showing what was going on and I could really feel the emotions and pain that this boy was suffering. I also didn't need a picture at all to get a great image in my head of him sitting there and thinking of how his life had become. Very well written, nice job. :)
See that second paragraph? That's the same issue that I was hinting to today in class:repetitive sentence openings and sentence lengths.
But simply combining a few, you could literally change the face of your writing. You and I will do it together, tomorrow morning.
Also, if you notice, you changed verb tenses from present to past. You want past here.
On a more positive note, though, I like most how you ended with using the word "demolished" (although spelled wrong). You even used it as its own sentence. I think your repetition of the word captures the character's disbelief at what he is seeing.
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